three parts of the past

in fours

i played your guitar today

                               to spite you

bitter cold and blowing snow

     winter   gets things done

the coldest i got 

         refilling the wiper fluid different

   from the sixty two of yesterday

when i didn't even wear a jacket and everything smelled like spring

          all were distracted   thinking of what they want to tell me  

                          myself   included  

today it was cold snowy focus

and my shirt smells like evergreen

my winter coat has a hood and i put it to good use

 even when    i'm wearing a hat

the four songs

1. bryan's song

2. everyone knows

3. the great lake erie

4. if i was wrong

           knight berman jr. says ‘reaction is the completion of creation’

that feels good to say

 what words do you like in your mouth?

i have a friend who loves the word ‘utter’

  she likes the way it feels

                                                   what it means

i lean toward ‘certain’ or ‘telecaster’

and have spent some time defending ‘supple’ against its harsher critics

  my grandmother's 106th birthday

                         my maternal grandmother    callie mae   a slight woman 

  with more strength than a thousand men

          raised four kids and a drunk husband

they smoked      like good people did

                                                         and that's what killed all four      

                                                                                                       of the kids

the eye

the problem with my eye is a bit of a long story

            are you familiar with spencer tunick?

the day   sunday     it was hot outside

                 the sun was bright and big in the sky

we wore the required loose clothing

             milled about in the holding area with fifteen hundred others

waiting to be called  

                          waiting  to be nude

                      waiting

                                 to be art

i looked around for someone that i knew   wondering  if i was hoping to find anyone or not     it is a strange feeling    incomplete  unknowing

the word came     when it was said    i was looking up

      at the building     at the sun peeking     over top of the brilliant facade

i noticed what is usually called   a sunspot   in my right eye  
                                                       you know the type

where you can't really see for a minute or two 
                          and then your eyes readjust  break free or break through

                                 my right eye

                                     the better of the two 

  never did

i still have the same spot i did that day      i see it most when i try to sleep

three different grown men told me that if i followed an aspirin therapy regimen

              it would go away

  i did     it didn't

the last one  thought it might be a floater   i told him it doesn't move     
     not completely opaque but still   i can't see through

‘you're a young man’ he said ‘you'll heal just fine

             no need to worry   everything is all right'

during all this    i kept bumping in to your father     back in the back

the part of the office where serious things sigh    
                                          he was telling me jokes  with that gleam in his eye

         we kept saying goodbye and 
                                     i'll see you next tuesday   
                                                                 each and every time

but then

          we'd run into each other six minutes later and do it all again

                                      we shook hands   we were men  


 about a dozen times that day  

                         each awkward seeing the other   out of context

            even though the other good doctor   an eloquent speaker 
                                        and the last of the three grown men  
                   said i'd be fine    
                                      i am not

i have trouble in low light  with numbers on a page  

                       i have to look around a sentence to make sure i see

   the whole thing

       i read one yesterday

it was professional and dry

                and somewhere in the middle   bold letters ‘BRAIN MRI’

i just can’t figure what i’m hoping they’ll find

         you are the first person to ask for the story

the guys at work will talk about it if i bring it up   and my ex her was going through a lot of her own stuff     at the time    or     all the time

                    so nothing got done

who waited with me for the women to come out
                 feeling awkward 
      standing completely clothed waiting for my ex her     

  she looks like this

to walk naked from the building

it's the kind of situation

that doesn't really happen

     more than a few times

in your life  

 right

the extra room

that's what she looked like on my birthday   last year   late at night 
   
                in the initial query about my extra room

     you see

 once you open the mind it doesn't close all the way back

 so even if she's returned to doing whatever it is she does

         to please some of the others

she's got the idea that there's another way

  that's the first step

                                             like at first read

the bit about drinking up words    made me think about songs

                             for some reason knowing    takes away from it all

you have a good sense for description     use it  as a weapon

         give enough detail           leave  the rest   like a trail

            looking for a treatment that no one can offer

                           stop me cold      color me pale

            this is faster than i remember it being

       behind on the technology

truly sincerely

                 the you in me                    
                                                        ps  i'm already running out of closings

thoughts made entirely of anxiety and propriety

           your pale shoulder calls

through soft blonde hair

           and being over prepared       to go

                                             anywhere

your ‘bombed’ is all that i really need

to keep my journey going

         to keep the wheels from slowing

so the terrorist doesn’t win

         again

 it must be in the soft blonde hair

the thoughts made                  entirely

     of        anxiety

and            propriety

thoughts of

                why

   what did he mean

thoughts more often grey than green

thoughts of inertia

                thoughts of the east

           thoughts of what kind of  help     you can be

2:48 a.m. hiroshima bound

the drone doesn’t know

same as it ever was

          truth is    it never was

                  jumped jim crow just to have it known

     that you wouldn’t let it go

       it’s best for both of us

                         you know why

      don’t look at my eyes

                              you might have to decide  

that brown isn’t as blue as black is white

                         that couldshe wouldshe shouldshe might   

this room felt a lot of tears

       in those  pre dawn years

                where phone calls and whiskey

                                 would have you believe that 

                                                four green lights make a green sea

     

that who you were talking to 

                         was       listening

                              man   we don’t understand anything

                     no   let me think for a minute

wai-wait 

                                                                      no

  

                                                                that’s just p l a i n bullshit

                                                            

 it’s not anything  

          that we want to understand

              it’s everything

evv err eee thing

are you listening

                            has the port 

                                     in the storm 

                            become 

                                       only   the kissing

                                                              the missing      the wishing    

listing    insisting

    that surreptitious be swallowed    

                            not watched or  written

2:48 a.m.

hiroshima bound

andersen robeson bezeljak and blood

i never said it isn’t but     why    are you whispering

i wish you wouldn’t do that      you’re not fooling me

                           ice in the water   cold on the shoulder 

                                    all the pretending is making us older

         just want her to stop talking just stop talking 

                                                             stoptalking

what’s your name    my name is bill

                           dead woman body pretty

                                             a bruise from the windy city

amazing  

who was that       

tip tip tip tip

tiptap   

come back when you’re angry    

                                    when you’re hungry   

                    when the green and gold turn whittier cold

and you  said

‘it’s true’

you said it

you knew

the trial   in paperback

serious 

 like storm clouds

black plastic buttons  filling drain spouts

the motion devotion of eyes fixed on mouths     

a whirlwind rhythm of

time running out

that explosion   when you were six

the long and the short         it made me sick

  

                            those are the facts

and they are satisfactory

all that was asked of me   fresh   from the factory

when open was nothing

                                  we drove through the night

     terribly slow

                             turned  confided

                                   

                                                  what color isn’t natural color 

                                                                sunset 

                                     sudro is back

 waited with her

feigned  attack at

cigarettes     beers

                           bruises on knees

  the muses in ears

                                    made sure you said ‘please’ 

and ‘thank you’

                                                         to stutterers

 afraid of the phone

deeply in love with being alone

give back the name

it’s not just a word

it’s something you earn

something vital and tried

that still lives                             at times

indicates          authenticity

which is why             you decide

                                           to pin it to your

often trite

                                                           ironic glasses and

hipsta might

you think it’s yours        ‘cause it was given you

but night after night

                                             i won’t forgive you

if you push it out there long enough 

                                     if you pretend to be that kind of tough

the one night’ll come

                          and it may not be me

but some other fool mad

                          from the improbability

             of what had been un-corruptible

                                       

now corrupted

                               

time was     

     only slightly marred      by slurs  by slippers

            eggars  idea of strings                

                                    sounds like                         strippers

‘beautiful’        but empty sweet

                                    mean and drugged                underneath

thrown off at last on a houston night

where your old man

                               he just might

 he gave it to you    found the will to live

 but cowboybootsoncoffeetables don’t make it his to give

you you you ride the wave like you had    anything

                                                              

to do with the moon that brings it in

                                               that shit was permanent                                      

                                                      until you burned it

             like what you have came from that man

                          throwing off words    catch-as-catch-can

        but you you you you       y’scrape and  y’stand

at every turn like this was yours to take

with your little rock hammer and your heart so fake

and piece by piece you chip away

                                    at the thought              at the name

at the love/at the lie

at the electro-shock fallin outta the sky

 at west memphis darlins                 Odetta’s truth

                  rex’s bell   and   rex’s blues

you can’t cut yourself a columbine

you can’t black haired dutch boy

you can’t fool anyone   but                             

 cops

and you can’t fool me

no

you can’t fool me

robert hampson's sermon on the mount

it starts with a ‘ping’                  the                              high harmonic e that’s when the circle starts to turn ‘round

 the jet plane rumble   robert hampson’s sermon  on the mount

it circles around

                                                                           and around

                                                                  and around

a strong sensation             you get lost

          in the sound

stay with the groove       don’t worry what they’ll say

eyes on the prize  stay on the page

keep working and willing                      it’ll turn                and engage

push it right past where you think it might stay

deep                      in the night

                          or early the day             

                                              the low end comes in        starting the roll

       inviting       enticing you into the fold

you may even think that you’re in control

pushing and pulling                               making you whole

 the sight and the sound

                                  start to implore

then comes a point where the only thing you want   is more

and you can’t just keep looking at your hands or the floor

                             you wander right past

                             adieu                        

                                                                                             to adore