san francisco

i didn't keep any pictures   but i remember your face    how you said  ‘women desire disgrace’ how every leaf that decided to fall took the risk freely or didn't bother   at all how all the evil that ever was done could never be traced   at least not to one

i remember

you made such afflictions seem meaningless   were quickly alluring when coming to rest

you said   ‘my worries wander   yours stay at home’  in a dream that i had too close to the bone

i thought that you had it

thought that you meant it

i thought that the time was   at least

well documented

there was nothing    i could say

because there was nothing

that would stand in your way

it wasn't something i had

it was something i said that made you feel so bad

it wasn't the lies that led into this door

and it wasn't the words that were left on the floor

you wouldn't even read it

you didn't even write

i thought you would call

thought you would fight

i thought this was different

thought you were better

i think she'd have told us

if you had let her

so i decided

about san francisco

 left this place like i hadn't before

nobody liked me

everybody denied me

was i jesus showing up at your door?

you said ‘ i don't go breaking bread like jesus did

i just go out on a sunday to have lunch with my friends’

i decided it was san francisco

you couldn't      really

but i thought that you

would be a little more willing

a little more smile

a little more tact

a little more something

 not this bull shit act

do you think that this is more than just a release?

do you think that you've

got something on the police?

did i show you that none of this hurts?          

did i show you   pete rose signed my shirt?

                 thought of the letters you claimed you would write

          the grace that would come in full flight

     that i could share something more than my life

 i wanted something more than a wife

it wasn't really my style

but i told everyone about your smile

                                             i took it out    i put it down

                      like everything else   it began to resound

lay side to side      then back to back

as you were planning the little attack

you made the best of what could've been death

and made such a point of sharing all of your breath

i felt so young just to wake up old

only wish that i had never been told

the story of how you couldn't have known

subtle and sure     just as surely alone

nobody knew i was wasting my sight

nobody knew of my shame to be white

your color was red      color was clean

the most beautiful i had yet seen

then i remember

                  the one solid night

         when i tried to make you say everything right

         i remember your reluctance to feel

                                             remember   a promise      so real

i couldn't resolve

couldn't retract

not with the kisses

stabbing like that

looked into

all the lines in your face

you said it again

‘women desire disgrace’

i saw shoes at the end of my bed

thought of the things    i wish you had said

i took it now and i took it down

rested my heart that the heart

                                                     would be

                                                                  sound

it wasn't any mistake

i had a will that was willing to break and

i had fists        feelings intact

                    you  like perfection      just unwilling to     

act