the agreement the final word

sitting in the ruins

out of water

saw the white door many times

there is always much to spend

with pictures across eyes

realized

when parting

   just around the corner

we shared so many good times that

            we had to

thank god for allowing us to meet

we should treasure every encounter

maybe that is part of significance

maybe that is part   of 
days   of 
     mind

the agreement

      the final word

because

      at this moment

it is only

to feel the   

well  

   their

elders

full of sorrow

like grateful trees

a park of need

thank you for the better

from the same factory

      victory

because the feast was all good but

when her tears today

ended up on

      your face

         it looked like

two brothers and a sister

in the same boat

   wearing navy blue coats

singing songs

      writing poems

all the way home

How I learned that help could come from the podium…

Knowing that I am not alone is a comforting feeling. 

The real danger is isolation. 

If you get to the point where you think that all the negative feelings must be carried alone, there is no better antidote than realizing that others will gladly help you carry the burden. 

The help comes in stories, personal stories, really really personal stories. These are shared with you and the open air.   Just said out loud, in front of a gathered crowd who all has little parts of themselves that don’t want to be shown for fear of truth being known, fear of remaining alone.

When the stories are heard, when those ideas find the air.  I realize that the things I have tried to keep from being known, the things that make me feel most alone, are common things. 

Things that people like Maggie Bertram and Jordan Burnham talk about every day. 

And just by the talking, just by taking that leap of help or faith they say directly to me…

Despite a roomful of eager eyes and ears, they say…

To me….

“It’s alright, you’re okay, I’ve been where you are and I know it’s every little bit of ‘so fucking hard’ but let me tell you this; it will get better.  All you have to do is let it.  All you have to do is ask someone to help you, help someone who asks you and be true to your own truth, no matter what ‘they’ say you should do.  Because ‘they’ are feeling a lot of the same things too and ‘they’ want to help, ‘they’ want to help you.  ‘They’ want to feel the same things you aspire to, ‘they’ want to know someone can be true and really mean what is said when it comes to care, ‘they’ want to know that you will be there. 

Now, ‘there’ is a bit of a tricky word, ‘I’ll be there for you’ is so often heard and so often meant (which is really the key) to a life better lived for you and for me.”

This is what I heard, this is what I felt when just two brave souls came to my school, stuck their necks out, and told their truths in such a way that it made what I had to carry a little lighter that day…

And every day since.

i have more metacognitions than i do actual ones (in three parts)

there it is          someplace in between

what i want and what is expected of me

now     why do i wait so diligently?

for a crumb     from a table                        try to make it a meal

so time and time and time again

i want to leave those tears          my friend

and i want to feel it                 not pretend

making pressboard feelings out of sawdust sins

i think soon has a different meaning out east of the road

that runs through the state of the known and unknown

that eat up ideas like straight jellyroll

and here we are   outside         the boys in the boat

taking everything      too          seriously

without one single reason to fly or be free

and give pause to wonder if i’m just talking      to               me

here it comes      there it goes    

onetwothree onetwothree

from here to there and back again

i used to revel in the ones i call friend

used to be enough,    but now              it depends

and it hurts so much more than  i want to          admit

billy was right and he couldn’t have known

to him it was him  but    to    me        __________________  

so, i just put the dictionary back in the hole

because it matters so little when i lose         the control

and the time that has passed is such a little amount

i’m ashamed to admit that i even keep count

and won’t feel the same until i turn on the sound

that is distracting so many but            it’s          sticking        around

i am american      distinguishing embarrassed from shame

and i cling to the thought like i cling to your name

and i wish there was more      to the whole           of the thing

like wishes              could ever be    changes      again

there is

me

diligently

crumb

to make

a meal

my friend

pressboard feelings

the state of the known and the unknown

the boys in the boat

taking everything too seriously

  

free

talking

onetwothree

admit

billy

so

little

ashamedsoundname

the whole

of the thing

changes

to him it was him  but    to    me       there

to him it was him  but    to    me       is

to him it was him but to me           me

to him it was him  but    to    me       diligently

to him it was him  but    to    me      crumb

to him it was him  but    to    me      to make

to him it was him  but    to    me       a meal

to him it was him  but    to    me       my friend

to him it was him  but    to    me      pressboard feelings

to him it was him  but    to    me       the state of the known and the unknown

to him it was him  but    to    me       the boys in the boat

to him it was him  but    to    me      taking everything too seriously

to him it was him  but    to    me       free

to him it was him  but    to    me       onetwothree

to him it was him  but    to    me       admit

to him it was him  but    to    me       billy

to him it was him  but    to    me       little

to him it was him  but    to    me       ashamed

to him it was him  but    to    me       sound

to him it was him  but    to    me       there

to him it was him  but    to    me       name

to him it was him  but    to    me       the whole    of the thing

to him it was him but to me      changes

come back to the old kind of trust

the arithmetic of care

                           near the rock river

wisconsin

in bloom

                           the year’s second full moon

a  beautiful   dutiful thief

                           just saying that comes as relief

no longer

keeping it

                  from myself

sharing the wealth

                           the health                    

the burden

    of words

                           you couldn't call it anything else

these are the ones

                           that woke me up

that made me

                love

                           and forget what it is about heaven

turning over every leaf

                           to find they are the same

what was

the name?

                           to finally place the blame

in brazil it isn't summer

                           clandestine behavior  

to taste

the sweet sunshine

                           cold and clear or warm and bright

joyride got to have

                           summer twice

before she took

the bad advice

                           she spilled it slowly late at night

she took the time

                           to take a chance

before the fall

broke both her hands

                           put the idea back in a can

it came from eyes

                           and minds   hearts in the air

from scorn

and stares  

                           golden waves of golden hair

not sure i was

                           supposed to be complete

not even

remotely sure

                           about supposed to be

to those that would

                           thieve

and everyone

              does

                           the wood makes a good effort

                          

to hold back the water

                           feel like it ought to

come back

to the old kind of

                                        trust

Helping Mr. Rothko by Henry Xavier Porter 2007